Day 22: Common Ground

We all have the same human needs.

Rosenberg, who developed a method he called Nonviolent Communication, explained that a need is something that is important to people, such as creativity, autonomy, cooperation, consideration, respect, and trust. It is not a behavior. Our behaviors are attempts, strategies, to meet our needs.

When we are in a conflict, it helps to identify these needs and their importance, so we can find a solution that will satisfy all parties without being required to compromise our deeply held principles. Understanding that some needs are not so important will open new roads, as well as understanding what is important for oneself and the other. This is part of the art of nonviolence. When nonviolence succeeds, there are no “losers.”

1. Go deeper: Scroll to and read principle #4, which looks at win-win solutions (feel free to read the whole piece if you'd like).

AND:

Part of problem-solving to find common ground is hearing the voice of our deeply held principles and allowing them space to express themselves. This talk by Thich Nhat Hanh on Being Peace is a good starting place for going deeper on this topic.

2. Practice: Think of a conflict. Write down your needs and underline what needs are really important to you. You can ask the other person to do the same (or if they're not willing to write these, you can support them to identify their needs in a conversation). Notice the new clearity that arises, and the joy of creatively cooperating to find solutions.

The ability to compromise was one of Gandhi’s remarkable, if not baffling, characteristics. While it often alarmed his friends, in most cases they eventually saw its impressive power. We gain the ability to compromise in proportion as we gain the ability to see and hold firmly onto what’s essential—usually something basic like human dignity—and realize that the rest is not only inessential but stamped as important by our ego!

Because nonviolence often revolves around issues of moral significance, it is often difficult to recognize and release our hold on the inessentials. Try it, though: it’s one of the most powerful skills we can develop.